My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
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40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.