My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that