My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
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I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
What an awful time to have common sense.
who will stop them
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
The photographer’s assistant
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.