My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.