My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already