My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!