[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
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I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
A ghost story
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away