My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.