My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Ovenable?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.