[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
SPLOOT
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Where’s my employee discount too?
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175