My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
You Might Also Like
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.