My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
You Might Also Like
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me: