@tastefactory: "My husband's a talented voice actor & his brother's a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person" -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
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@batkaren: I lovingly caress my belly. "You're expecting?" a woman asks. I smile serenely. "Just ate an amazing burrito," I tell her.
@withanewname: [looking at pics] Where's that? -Hawaii Where's that? -Jamaica Daddy where was I? -You weren't born Why's the folder called 'Good Ole Days'?
@ibid78: Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I'm proud of him, I doubt he'll make a lot of sales in the backyard.