My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.