Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*limbos under the caution tape
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers