My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
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Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?