My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites