My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.