My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle