My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.