My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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I love it all
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
i smell a pulitzer
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.