My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell