@theawkwardful: My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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@T_Bonezzz_: Cat: Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk... [ *Coughs up hairball* ] Dog: You gonna eat that?
@omerwahaj: An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
@ActuallyEmerson: Gay guys don't listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say "I know, right?!" while we wait for our turn to talk.