My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.