The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
You Might Also Like
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
the battle rages on
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
drew a comic about my origin story
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*