My inexpensive home security system…
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“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
May never get over this
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?