Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
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Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Confused owl: What?!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Not recommended for beginners.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.