”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
scared to check what name she chose
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I’m tired tomorrow.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!