”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
What
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Bless you