My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
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*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you