@kelkulus: My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
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@E_lok44: Pro tip: If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you "shhh" someone.
@david8hughes: Good cop: we found her body in the river Cop who doesn't want people knowing he can't swim: I was sick that day otherwise I'd have found it
@AristotlesNZ: Cop: You know your license's expired? Me: Didnt even know it was sick. Cop: Haha! Me: HAHA! Cop: Hehe.. Me: Eheh.. Cop: Step out of the car.
@AlyssaDiSalle: Co-worker: "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's yours to k.." Me - "THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE."