WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
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If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: