@TheCatWhisprer: My iPhone won't even recognize my fingerprint unless it's got crumbs on it.
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@Carbosly: Dear movies, We'll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never. Sincerely, Women
@Douchekevin: This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.
@TheToddWilliams: DOC: We got your blood tests back ME: Is it small pox like I thought? DOC: No, it's even worse ME: What could be worse than small pox? DOC: Big pox ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
@DaddyJew: Gf: you're speeding! Me: no im not Gf: what's the speed limit? Me: the speed limit is the liquor store is about to close Gf: drive