My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.