My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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you will never know the true number of layers
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
58.