@TheCatWhisprer: My iPhone won't even recognize my fingerprint unless it's got crumbs on it.
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@glo_stevens: I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I've learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
@joejwest: ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
@AGreaterMonster: If Twitter has taught me anything it's that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.
@bornmiserable: [United] This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.