Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early