My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
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Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.