My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
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The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Twitter remains undefeated
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it