When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
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If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
i guess his teacher was really pissed
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written