*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
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*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best