“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*