Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
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Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
don’t we all
This is so me 😂😂