@librarianfonz: My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn't matter to anyone else.
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@neverknownfacts: Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
@simoncholland: [Car dealership] Me: *taps glove box* How 'bout this one? Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold.
@curlycomedy: You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.