My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
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FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
These are my roll models.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.