@WheelTod: My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you're dead, your Miranda rights don't count for shit.
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@generaldietz: [Olive Garden] Me: *walks in* Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back. Me: Huh? Hostess: When you're here you're family.
@TheTweetOfGod: The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
@primawesome: Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.