Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
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Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”