@darinlovesbacon: My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like "Dude, ask your Mom. I still can't figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn't."
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@imadepoopstoday: I've learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
@djdarrellripley: Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it's to get out of a speeding ticket...
@autocorrects: Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.