My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it