My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
lmfao
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees