My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
#math
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
you stereotypes are all alike
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo