My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.