My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed