My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Spider-cat: No One Home
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Good news
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.