My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
You Might Also Like
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.