My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
A little too much information.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes