Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
peeping toms