My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.